The Tale of the Insane Old Hobbit
by Teh Jessica
Summary: Just a little monologue with everyone's favorite Mad Old Baggins. His views on Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, the S-Bs, Galadriel, Gollum, and the Ring. Any grammer issues are intentional. Chapter 2: Frodo's veiws on the afore mentioned.
1. Bilbo

There and Back Again 

A Hobbit's Tale

By: Bilbo Baggins

(Aka why Jessica Yourdon didn't write the Lord of the Rings.) 

Once there was a little hobbit named Bilbo. His habits were being fat and eating too much and being crazy and being mad old Baggins. (Not meaning angry of course because that would just be rude.) 

Frodo is his uncle well cousin really. Well, I guess that's actually the other way around. 

Samwise is Frodo's gardener. All rich kids have gardeners these days. It's all the rage. Sam specially likes to plant weird smelling herbs that make hobbit children laugh more than Gandalf the Grey. Which is I am sure why Pippin is the way he is. He should be named mad Baggins, but he isn't a Baggins. He's a Took and don't ask me what. I have no idea. Probably vegetables from Framer Maggot's field of forbidden veggies for meat lovers. 

This topic brings me to young Meriadoc Brandybuck. He probably makes beer or drinks it. The latter is more likely. He is cousin to Frodo and Pippin in more ways than I feel safe to mention. (Especially since it is my family tree.)

Now there is a certain creature that I must mention was my roommate in college. He smelled of moldy cheese and his name was Gollum or Smeagle or maybe even Dirty Socks, but whatever it was, I found his Ring on a bookmark. Its mine now! Mine I tell you! MY PRECIOUSSS!!!

My Precious is very pretty and Frodo cannot have it because he is unnaturally thin for a hobbit no matter how much food he doesn't eat. Plus gold isn't really his color. Silver looks more to be his thing. You know it is also all the rage with young hobbits these days. But, he informs me that the phrase "all the rage" is not. Oh well. I'm very old, I mean young in reverse. 111 like the man Tolkien. I will not speak of him for it would be an embarrassment to him and all his kin.

In fact today is my 111 birthday and I will be old, old I tell you. Frodo is turning 33 today, but obviously everyone forgot that. He doesn't care though. You know young hobbits that live more in outer space then astronauts do. I haven't seen one since the days of London though.

Now I would like to tell you of my favorite tale that happened to me that I will make up right now. One time when I was very young, about 23 or 56 I ate some apple in some tree and then I fell. I didn't stop falling for 27 years, but that is okay because I got to celebrate all my missed birthdays after I landed. This brings me into introducing the dreaded dun, dun, dun…Sackville-Bagginses. 

They actually aren't from the Baggins family at all, although some say they have similar feet to that of most outstanding Bagginses and I have never seen a Baggins who isn't. But, actually they are long lost relatives of the Gamgees and I wish that they would leave me the heck alone. How am I supposed to learn Elvish when they are around stinking up the place worse than Frodo's cologne? Plus all they want is my money. Don't they know that Frodo would be a poor boy if they took all my money? And then he wouldn't be the kid with all the friends in school. That would just be mean. I think Lobelia should mooch off the Gamgees, except she knows that they don't have money.

But, anyway on my birthday once they tried to take my house from me, but it wouldn't fit in their car. Stupid hobbits. Don't they know that a house, especially one dug in the ground cannot fit in a car that doesn't exist? Their stupidity adds splendor to the Baggins name. If I was older I'd tell them a thing or three.

Enough of them. I would like to tell you more about my friend Gandalf that I have mentioned later. He is at least 2 years old, this much is certain. All else about him is shrouded more in mystery than Frodo's eyes. (I personally think they are both glass and that is why he always falls down.) I do know that he made me go on an adventure once, but I only agreed because he said that he would make the Sackville-Bagginses leave me alone. I'm still waiting old man!

I am planning on leaving, you know. I'm sure you know because I saw you reading my diary the other day. Dirty people that you are. Never trust men. They are doomed to die or so says Galadriel, but they just let her out of the psych center 10 minutes ago. She once held a grudge for 99,000 years. It almost makes me feel young. She is actually not real, no matter what Frodo will tell you in the future, she is the result of his over active imagination that he stole from a box under my bed. He told me that it was either that or my Precious. I told him the imagination could do him some good and that kids might stop calling him Stan. So he agreed and took that rather than the Ring, which he agreed, was not his color.

Writing of the Ring reminds me that at the insistence, I mean advice of Gandalf, as he is here right now, I should leave my Ring to Frodo. I asked him about the color and the crafty old Wizard used that stick thing he always carries around and BAM! A lovely thin layer of silver paint is now on the Ring.

I am all set to leave now. I must leave my Precious. I will live with the Elves who may not be as old looking as me, but at least they are older than me. Farewell.


	2. Frodo

Here and Gone Again

By: Frodo Baggins

(Aka: More good reasons why Jessica Yourdon didn't write Lord of the Rings.)

My uncle has given me the lovely task of finishing his book. Let me introduce myself first off. I'm Frodo son of Drogo, son of Fosco, son of Largo, son of Balbo, Baggins. And if you ever see me on the street, I hope you remember to call me just that.

My Uncle has left me his Ring, which he told me that I could not have, but Gandalf made him give it to me. I didn't really want it. After all, gold just isn't my color. It totally clashes with my eyes, you know. But, Gandalf who is a very talented house painter as I have heard put some lovely silver paint on it. Not only is it easier on my eyes, but also it goes easier with my eyes. The only problem is lately, more and more of the paint is chipping off. It is my personal opinion that Gandalf used nail polish instead of paint.

I'm wondering if my gardener would know where to get paint, as Gandalf has just seemed to disappear. The kids at school are always comparing gardeners. They're always like, "Mine's better than yours." or," Mine does all my chores for me." Or, "Mine has a better name than yours." So, I always say, "I have more money than you." Then, they all shut up. It works every time. Honestly! The reason I even have a gardener is because Bilbo always made sure I was the kid with all the friends in school. Anyone who is anyone these days has a gardener. Bilbo would say that it was "all the rage." I would just say that it is groovy. "All the rage," is more outdated than Elrond.

I just noticed that Bilbo never mentioned Elrond. I've never met him myself, but I understand that he is very old. So old in fact that there is no one left alive who remembers when he was born. 

I have decided that Bilbo did not give an accurate account of the people he mentioned previously. Bilbo isn't just Mad Old Baggins. He is also Queer (meaning odd.) Baggins.

Sam doesn't just plant things in my garden that makes people laugh. There are things that make you sad, happy, mad, and stupid. Probably all at the same time if you know what to look for.

I do know what Pippin took. He took my sock monkey Ringo. He asked to borrow it when he was 5, he's 28 now and I still haven't gotten it back. I know where he lives and I have a pair of scissors! I bet Henry is scared now! I am The Good Son*!

Anyway, I thought I had just saw a dolphin. If I had a dolphin I would name him Flipper* and we would be best friends!

Merry does make as well as drink beer, but he has lately been watching his weight so he likes Diet Beer and water on the rocks now. One time Merry fell through my roof, he used to be really fat. Talk about a Deep Impact*.

I have never met Gollum myself. Although I heard that he is bad news. My uncle was The Witness* to that. He has this weird kind of Ring fetish going on. I heard that he would wear 23 and a half on his fingers and toes. 

I do agree that the Precious is rather pretty. But, I like it silver better. Sam has found some paint for me and he is taking care of it. And do you know how many different kinds of silver paint there was? Try Seventeen*. I chose my favorite: Silver. 

Yesterday was my 33rd and my Uncles 111th birthday. I always wondered how he managed to look Forever Young*. I mean he doesn't look a day past 110.

The Sacksville-Baggins are more like a Chain of Fools* than anything else. I mean I had no idea they tried to steal Bag End with a vehicle that doesn't exist. That's worse than the fact that I just never seem to blink. They keep stealing things from me, like pencil shavings, loose ends of string, and gum wrappers. They should stay away from my Internal Affairs*.

I don't know much more about Gandalf than Bilbo does, but I do know that he had nothing to do with The War* with Sauron. He's never around when you really need him. I know that much for sure.

I once read Bilbo's diary. Not to be mean. It was just because I had read everything else in the house. Well, except for the Lord of the Rings*. I started reading it yesterday and frankly, I just don't get it.

Well, Gandalf is back. He wants me to take the Ring to Debris, I think he said. He just yanked Sam in through my window. I didn't know that Sam was dropping eaves. I just wonder where he got them. Everyone knows that Bag End doesn't have any eaves.

Gandalf told Sam to come with me. I just wonder what Sam will be able to garden.

I'm sure that it will be fun to head out into The Ice Storm*. Well, I must get Back to the Future, part 2*. Fare thee well and fare thee better. When you get married, write me a letter.

*= a movie in which Elijah Wood happened to be in.


End file.
